Sunday, June 26, 2011

From my my first born son

For my first son!

To understand the man you are, you need to embrace the boy you were.

Since I was a little girl, my favorite Disney movie has and will always be Cinderella, so it is more than fitting that two of the lullabies I sang to my first beautiful baby boy came from that. You chose the third because you loved Lady and the Tramp and would ask us to sing La La Lu every night before bed along with a book, a story and prayers, anything to milk the time, earning the title the “milk man”.

The only thing in life I have ever wanted was to be loved and to be married with beautiful children and the dream that I wished came true. So this is for you my baby boy, my miracle that I was dreaming of!

“A Dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep! In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving! If you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true!”

Compared to now, I was a baby myself when you were conceived, but even at 25, I knew in my bones how badly I wanted and needed you. The stick turned a pink + on my birthday solidifying how special you would be. People would always ask if I felt gypped as my birthday was so near to Christmas, but on the contrary, I felt so blessed to celebrate with the baby Jesus. Special doesn’t even begin to describe you.

“So this is love, hmmm, mmm mmm mmm, so this is love? So this is what makes love alive? I’m all-aglow, hmmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, and now I know, the key to all heaven is mine. My heart has wings, hmmm mmm, mmm, mmm and I can fly, I’ll touch every star in the sky. So this is the miracle that I’ve been dreaming of, hmmm mmm, mmm, mmm….So this is love!”

So this is love! The tiny fetus growing inside of me was YOU! My body was changing fast and I wanted to be the perfect house to carry, protect and nurture you. From my first sonogram of you I began to call you my Baby Boobah! I sang to you, played music for you and talked to you constantly. The most amazing feeling was being able to hold your feet as you stretched out your legs. When you moved around as if you were uneasy I would rub your little backside that you would stick up out of my belly, which fit in my hand, and you would calm down. I will never forget how you felt growing inside of me!

You made an entrance on the day you were born as only a Haggerty can do. Because you were too big for me (or I was too small), Dr. Noodlehead (Nodleman) had to break your collarbone to extract you and since a Haggerty takes no crap from anyone, you showed him and pooped on his arm.

At 8lbs 8oz and 22 inches long, I couldn’t believe I gave birth to you. Everything about you was perfect; you constantly nursed and gained weight so fast you looked like Buddah, your beautiful smile was and still is infectious, you were alert and responded to all types of stimuli and you were COLIC! At first I was devastated; I thought I did something wrong. You are a Haggerty and had to be perfect! I did everything, read everything, changed my diet because I thought my breast milk was bad even though you were HUGE, but you were still colic. Dad paced with you, drove you everywhere, we vacuumed, ran the tap (which eventually broke), kept you swinging hours at a time (till I tore off a leg and broke the swing) BUT YOU WOULD NEVER SLEEP. My mother watched in amazement as I held you, cuddled you, waiting for my patience to give and it never did. You were my baby and I wanted you to not feel any pain. You went from colic to teething and I couldn’t tell the difference-you always cried (still do-lol) and then one day (I don’t exactly remember when) I realized there was nothing wrong with you-you were the perfect baby I wanted, you were you, ultra sensitive to the world around you and that is your greatest gift. There is no such thing as perfect; perfect is a concept of images we hold in our heads of how others think things should be, but perfection is acceptance; accepting all of God’s creatures with everything they bring and only the Lord can do that. All we can do is strive to understand and accept others as they are.

I could go on and on regarding how intelligent and talented and musically gifted you are, but what makes me proudest is your kindness. Your ultra sensitivity has given you an immense heart to want to love and help others at any cost, to be totally aware of your surroundings and do what needs to be done. Your colic and our response has made you a master manipulator, not in the bad sense (although it does rear its head at times) but in a way to maneuver things and situations to make them work for you while attaining far reaching goals with an immeasurable work ethic. You believe in what you stand for and fight for what you know is right. You are a true leader with true integrity. What you have accomplished at 17, most grown adults haven’t. I have pushed you hard because I know how much potential you have within.

As a toddler, small boy and pre-teen, the perfection you strived for sometimes turned to deep frustration and outbursts until one day as an older teen, back in November of your senior year in high school when you were once again frazzled over school work, cult and picking a major I saw the baby who needed his mom again in your eyes and I believe at that point you realized it would all work out okay.

You paved the way for your brothers because unfortunately for you, you were my test run. I learned more from being your mother in 17 years than I have in the other 26 years of my life. Because of you I wanted more and more and more children. For three years and nine months it was just you and I. We did everything and went everywhere together. I lived and breathed Frankie—and I still do, although now you don’t want me to, but you are in my every waking thought and I just gush with pride when I look at you. I knew eventually you would need a playmate and we gave you three more. You have become an amazing brother and caregiver to them and the only person other than your father that I truly trust with their care.

Life hasn’t been a cakewalk, but it never is. Those who say it is hide their pain. Life is what you make of it, so enjoy every waking moment: smell the flowers, watch the sunrise, feel the breeze on your face, listen to the birds sing, hold the hand of the one you love and always speak the truth. We haven’t been able to give you much, but we have given you all the love in our hearts. What was stripped from us was replaced with the knowledge of how important we are to each other. Nothing is more vital to life than being surrounded by people who truly love you. I am so proud to release you into this world as a loving and responsible man even though you will forever be my Baby Boobah. You have the world at your feet and YOU WILL OWN IT!

I love you Frankie Haggerty with every inch of my being and couldn’t be prouder!  At night when you are fast asleep, I will ride over to your dorm, climb through the window and if my big boy is really asleep, I will rock you and sing “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be!” Then I will sing our songs, which will be forever in my heart with you!

“La la lu  la la lu oh my little star sweeper, I’ll sweep the star dust for you, la la lu, la la lu little soft fluffy sleeper, here comes a blue cloud for you, la la lu, la la lu little wandering angel, hold up your wings close your eyes, la la lu la la lu and may love be your keeper, la la lu, la la lu la la lu!”

"I love you all the way to the moon and back" again and back again and back again and back again and back again…

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